Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
paddle faster i hear baby shark
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Has there ever been a more American story?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair