Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.