Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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Y’all ready for this
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Clients after you give them your rates
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure