adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*