Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.