My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?