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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before