Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”