Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I’m putting together a team

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

Its true…

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.