Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Talk about a bad egg
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product