Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.