cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat