Tony Hawk, age 6
You Might Also Like
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Pretty much! 😂👀
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.