Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.