Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Tier 3 meme

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

this came to me in a vision

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

They’re stuck in your pants?

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen