Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

🫶

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Meow?

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.