Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”