Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

i was baptized in a car wash

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.