Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question