I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”