Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

on da cob, we all corn

Become ungovernable.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

guilty

he was correct

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

excuse me

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

*puts words between two asterisks*

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.