Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?