You Might Also Like
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
PLEASE READ
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!