My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
You Might Also Like
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend