If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*