Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

😂

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

i really liked this one

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.