It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.