While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that