I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Breaking news:
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.