My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
#SaturdayBears
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.