people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Pretty much! 😂👀
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Webb. James Webb.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”