Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Let’s Go