Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.