Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Bruh PLEASE

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.