If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here