million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
🍞🦆
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
when mom throws a party…
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I ate everything, including the H.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!