The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior