Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You Might Also Like
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.