Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

eggs benadryl

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less