Basically.
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.