Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.