I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it