Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

These dogs look like they have good credit.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

For the ones in the back.