Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
それは草
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
