Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

See..?

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