Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

This is what makes twitter great

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

me hitting on a model

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

what’s in a name?

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.