Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

japanese corn

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling