Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?