When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.