***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave